I have been having a little chat with myself over the last few days. I have been talking to myself about the idea that our actions define us. How we act over a period of time, is what we become.
I read ‘The Miracle Morning’ by Hal Elrod over 18 months ago now, but there are many things in that book which have stuck with me. This is one of them:
“…we mistakenly assume that each choice we make, and each individual action we take, is only affecting that particular moment or circumstance. For example, you may think it’s no big deal to miss a workout, procrastinate on a project, or eat fast food because you’ll get a ‘do-over’ tomorrow. You make the mistake of thinking that skipping that workout only affects that incident, and you’ll make a better choice next time.
Nothing could be farther from the truth.
We must realize that the real impact and consequence of each of our choices and actions – and even our thoughts – is monumental, because every single thought, choice and action is determining who we are becoming, which will ultimately determine the quality of our lives. As T Harv Eker said in his best-selling book Secrets of the Millionaire Mind: ‘How you do anything is how you do everything’.
Every time you chose to do the easy thing, instead of the right thing, you are shaping your identity, become the type of person who does what’s easy, rather than right.
On the other hand, when you chose to do the right thing and follow through with your commitments – especially when you don’t feel like it – you are developing the extraordinary discipline….necessary for creating extraordinary results…..
…….Always remember that who you’re becoming is far more important than what you’re doing, and yet it is what you are doing that is determining who you’re becoming”.
I have put off exploring this and my own choices on the basis that I am practising kindness to self, but sometimes we all need some tough love. I wrote in my last blog about honesty and it is time for me to be honest with myself about the quality of my own actions.
As I look about me I wonder how is it weeks since I cleaned the skirting boards, that I have been going to tidy the cupboard by the front door for over 6 months, that sometimes, we sit amongst the girls mess in the living room, watching TV rather than tidy it away? Why did I only cut the girls toenails yesterday for F’s party when they have needed doing for weeks? Why did I not apply for the chaperone licence I need for the girls’ dance show in a timely manner instead of imposing an additional burden on the lady at the council to rush it through last minute? Why have I allowed myself to put on so much weight when I worked so hard to get rid of it? Why haven’t I completed my VAT return on time? Why did I get the date and time of L’s friends party wrong for the 3rd time this year?
The list goes on and on…..And all of this is so unrecognisable from the girl I once was. It has quite literally been a slippery slope, but if all of this makes me feel miserable, how did I end up here?
Quite simply, I have become lazy. People laugh at me when I use this word – “but you are mum to 3 girls”, “but you just organised this or that”. True, but I used to be mum and still have a clean house. I used to be mum and still look good. I used to be mum and still managed to be a responsible grown up.
Plus, there are plenty of mums out there who do more than I do, but still have the discipline to eat well, exercise, run a clean house, remember appointments and admin etc. Two years ago, I was that mum.
So what has gone wrong? I made the mistake identified by Hal Elrod, believing that as I gave in from time to time and let things go, just for once, that it was just an isolated incident. But over time, our ‘one-offs’ have become the norm, our way of being. Meaning I have no discipline anymore. Things have started to slip and the wheels are coming off. We are chaotic, disorganised, slovenly and I hate it and I am tired of being annoyed with myself.
Then there is this blog. I have had so many ideas over the last couple of weeks, so many blogs in my head, but I haven’t put them to paper. Why? Because of this laziness which has snuck in, silently infecting our home and wellbeing? Maybe, or could it just be I am afraid of being held accountable? If I write about the power of self-belief, if I talk of maintenance, if I declare a blog the start of a new me…well then, I have to do something about it, I have to follow through. Am I so lazy I don’t want to do that? Or am I just scared of not measuring up to the standards I talk about?
I feel so far away from where and who I want to be sometimes that it feels overwhelming. I fear I cannot get the old Kerry back, house proud, presentable, determined, organised, in control, ambitious. It feels like she is a lifetime away. I’m not sure I want old Kerry, I want new Kerry.
But in a state of overwhelm I know it is important to keep moving. Baby steps. My first one was a power walk with friends this morning. My second a late no carb healthy breakfast. My third booking onto the One of Many ‘One Woman Conference’ in October. My fourth, writing this blog, releasing it as an acknowledgement of my imperfect self and my bad decisions, allowing myself to be held accountable and hoping that if I keep writing, I will keep improving myself. My fifth, I am about to sort out that bloody cupboard!! (I almost deleted the ‘fifth’, so I didn’t have to do the do…but I have left it there knowing I now must – the power of the pen!).
ps thanks to Pinterest for the images
pps thanks to @halelrod @themiraclemorning for keeping me on my toes. It might be taking me a while to get going, but the words stay with me.