Yesterday my amazing husband cycled from home to Ramsgill – 35 miles – not that far, but the hills…well, they make me dizzy in the car. Now let me give you some context….Dan has suffered with bad knees and despite unsuccessful surgery, this has largely prevented him from exercising for the last three years. He only started cycling 5 weeks ago and (he doesn’t mind me telling you this) he weighs almost 20 stones. I am so proud of him.
Quite how he dragged himself up and down dale, I have no idea. Well maybe I do….pure determination. A genuine example of mind over matter. There was absolutely no chance he would quit. Dan felt physically sick after one long climb and almost wept as he turned corner after corner, to see hill after hill. He was terrified as he plunged down incredibly steep inclines, feeling the force of his weight speeding him uncontrollably on. He knew the girls and I were travelling to meet him and his family there. He could have called and asked me to rescue him. Yet he did not. Legs wobbling and burning he persevered and completed the task he had set for himself. I have to say, I felt a little bit more in love with him yesterday than usual!
It did, however, bring to the surface one of the underlying niggles that tugs on my mind from time to time….
What is the difference between me and my friends who have gone on to be ground breaking influential experts in their fields, partners at international law firms, authors of travel guides or composers of award winning scores? What is the difference between me and my mum friends completing marathons and triathlons? What is the difference between those who thrive, aspire and succeed and those that don’t?
I am not saying that talent doesn’t play a role, but much of achievement is about discipline, consistency and determination. All those amazing people out there – they are not all a million times cleverer than me, they are not all luckier than me. I have not been dealt a dud hand by fate. I have had opportunities and I have been in charge of my own destination.
I am Cambridge educated. The world was my oyster. What stopped me?
Certainly, I don’t think I knew what my ‘thing’ was. But mainly, I seem to lack the drive.
So, despite many promises to improve myself in my 41st year, I still don’t journal, I still don’t meditate or complete my affirmations, I still procrastinate, I still don’t exercise, I still put off getting back into healthy eating, I still drink more red wine than I should, I still forget birthdays, I still don’t meal plan, I am still years behind on my thank you cards….. The list goes on and on. Simply put, I still don’t do all the things that I know I need to do, to be the person I want to be.
When will my drive turn up? What can I do to find it?! If the many high-achieving friends around me leading by example or the eyes of our watchful girls learning by every move I make, cannot get me fired up, what on earth will?!
I have discussed at length confidence, not being able to push through my upper limit (ie not being able to move out of my comfort zone). But what if it is not that?
I wrote recently about the importance of being kind to oneself and I do hold on to that. Whilst admitting today that it is often easier to listen to the bad stuff than believe the good.
I have also written about being instinctive and creative. But doesn’t nature put a fire in your belly? Have I strayed from myself for so long, that my fire has been extinguished? I hope not.
At least I am doing something, which is better than nothing. And tonight, I am counting on kerrytalks being the spark to ignite me. Maybe one day, I will find ‘it’ in me and I will accomplish a ‘something’ which satiates a yearning to be a ‘someone’. A low level, deeply interred yearning but a yearning all the same.
Thanks to Pinterest for the images