Yesterday I spent 8.5 hours on a hospital ward (all fine, don’t worry) in the company of both a new born baby and 2 very elderly ladies who were both unwell and confused. Face to face with the miracle and fragility of life and the inevitability of growing old, I have finally decided that I need to stop talking about wanting to write and actually start doing it.
As you know, when I turned 40 in November I had the odd melodramatic moment (!) bemoaning my lack of achievement…wailing that I hadn’t achieved any of the things I aspired to when I was 16: I haven’t worked my way around Australia, I haven’t danced in the West End and gone on to become a renowned choreographer, I haven’t spent a wine season in France and I haven’t written a novel. I know I have a blessed and beautiful life with an amazing family and friends, but in the approach to my birthday, I have had a niggling feeling that there is more to give and more to do, even though I don’t really know what that is.
Most of you also know that I have also been struggling with my return to work after 6 wonderful years at home. I went back to work earlier than I would have liked and constantly feel the pull of wanting to be a full time stay at home mum. That said, I do frequently feel the benefits of being in the work place…the different focus, sometimes not being mum and personal growth. I have also been really lucky to work alongside some pretty incredible women who inspire me to be brave. Who help me believe in myself and that I have a valuable voice and gifts worth sharing.
Against all of this, the pull to write has started to become real. To share my thoughts and my feelings…why not? Who knows maybe I will touch someone and make a difference. And if not, I will be spending time doing something I love and also creating a real record of who I am. So when it is my turn to be old and confused, aware that I am a burden to our wonderful daughters but with no choice and knowing that I am no longer recognisable as the mum and woman I am today, then the girls can read these words, remember me and take comfort from the wonderful life I lived.
If you can spare 5 minutes now and then to follow me I would love that. Wish me luck!